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Today I found out some things about myself. One of them? I'm broken. I have been broken for a while, but today I saw it. It was quite stupid, really. I was listening to a random song, one that I listened to thousands of times. But today, as soon as it started playing, it hit me. All at once. Things are not ok.

I am not at the breakdown point yet, but I feel that I am on a path of no return. As of now, it is a matter of when, not if, will I break down. I am currently Ravel's bolero, about sixty per cent in. It's somewhat loud, but enough to make enough noise to be noticeable. But it's not at it's loudest. And after the loudest bit, it will end in an unbearable silence. It will end in the catharsis of me. The song I heard today was not this bolero, but bolero felt like me months ago. It was a sign, maybe the first one, and I did not see it. I did not have enough clues to see it.

I am afraid. Truly afraid. I don't want to get there, even though I know I will. I might be able to fix a lot of things, and have the falling fall from a small height, causing minimal damage. But I might not. I cannot predict. And most importantly, I don't know how to fix things. I'm not sure I can even explain what is going on. Here I am, rambling for three paragraph saying something that could have said in one phrase.

I know what I am feeling, but I don't know why. I know something needs to be done, but I don't know what. I know it will get bad before if gets good, but I don't know how much and how long. I know I need to stop, I need to breath, I need to slow down. But I don't know where the break is. I don't know where to pull the air from. I don't know where to start.

How did I get here? How there is so much tangled? Where is the beginning of the thread? What should go first? Will I be able to let it go? Will I want to see the picture once there is no blur due to the speed? These and many other questions are going through my mind now. I know the answers are here, and I know I will find them eventually. But how late is too late, when you don't even know what you are looking for?

I wanna go home. Which is weird, as I don't have a place to call home. 

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