Curls

I am growing my hair. Like, proper growing it. I think the last haircut I had was about 3 months ago, and that was just to tidy up the back and the sides. The top has been growing for about 7 months now. I don't think I ever let my hair grow so long, and I have no intention of cutting it anytime soon. This is something I always wanted, but due to many factors I never gave it a proper change to happen. But things are different now.

With the big hair, came the curls. I always knew my hair curled when it grew - just one look at my dad in his young years and nothing was a surprise anymore. The thing is, I never left my hair grow long enough to see the curls getting their shape. The hair was never long enough to make any kind of curve. But things are different now.

Many things changed in the last year - there is a whole theory about a cycle that starts and ends in my life every ten years, in round ages, or years that end with the number 3, like the year I was born. 2003, 2013, and 2023. I cannot remember 1993. I left my longtime job at the airline industry, a move that to this day I have not regretted. In the slightest. In fact, sometimes I ask myself why did I not do this earlier. I won't be ungrateful, I had an opportunity that very few people do, and I made the best out of it. I don't regret my years working as cabin crew, but that chapter of my life ended. And I am glad it did, and I have no desire to go back. Life moves forward, and so did my life.

I also embraced my feminine side, which I always kept swept under the rug, and I am ready to come out as gender fluid. This is only a formality, really, as those who know me and are around me on a daily basis see me already living my fluid identity. I am also changing my pronouns to he/they - which, again, is another formality, as I have been ok with different pronouns for a long time already. 

I published two books, one of them with short stories, and one murder mystery, and I could not be more proud of myself. This was a massive dream come true, and an amazing achievement, for many reasons. To be able to write two books in a language which is not my native one, and to be able to tell good and entertaining stories, even if only a few people read them. I never expected to sell even one copy, and it would not have mattered if I did not sell any. I did this for myself, to achieve my dream, regardless of how the world would receive this dream. And I am truly thankful for those who got it, read it, reviewed it, gave me their opinion about it. I might write more, but for now that side of me is taking a break. Life moves forward.

I also said goodbye to some longtime friends. Friends who I did not want to say goodbye to, but whom life took away to different ways. And it was hard to come to terms with them not being around anymore, especially as they are still alive, and I know very well where to find them. I am extremely grateful that they were in my life once, and I probably would not have gotten where I did if they would not have been in my life, but their time in my life is over, and that is ok. It took me a while to understand that this is ok. The space they left was filled by new, great people, who are giving me what I need right now. Maybe one day these new friends will move on, and new ones will come again. Maybe these friends will stay around until the day I die. I don't know, I cannot know, and I don't want to know. We will deal with the future when the future becomes present. 

Finally, I am changing my relationship with my biggest alter ego: Bear Hinksch. The guy that everyone knows from instagram. The guy that is me, but is also not me. I am Bear Hinksch in many moments, but there is more in me. There are other sides, other aspects, other moments, other personas. Which are probably not so interesting for the majority of people following me on instagram, but they are the ones missing out. Bear Hinksch helped me find my self confidence, and to understand that curves can be sexy too. That people might like things about me that I don't. That others might be struggling too. That what we see in someone is just the tip of the iceberg, and there is much more under the water. That perfection is overrated and boring, and that our differences is what makes us unique. Therefore, our differences should be celebrated, not hidden away. 

I am not saying goodbye to Bear Hinksch, he will always be here. But I will give my other sides a fairer chance, a bigger place in the sun. Bear Hinksch will now be put on a secondary position, will take the back seat, and the rest of Bernardo will show its face more prominently. Bear Hinksch will still come up here and there to show his bum, so fear not. This is not the end. But there will be more than just skin. Maybe another instagram? Definitely another blog. Maybe other creative projects? Definitely more heart, and more curls. Until I get fed up and have a haircut.

Watch this space. This is just the beginning.