Every. Single. Time.

He came in while I was doing a shift, and I was immediately attracted to him. He was extremely cute - still is. He was also on shift, but for a different organisation. He smiled and I melted inside. Equally fast was my conviction that he would never, ever, be into me. It's almost like I could hear a voice whispering in my ears: Hello! Have you seen him and have you seen you? Wake up, he would never look at you. Don't set yourself up for failure.

We started to chat, I was extra campy and extrovert, which is the weird way my mind deals with feeling intimidated. I should be clear that he was not intimidating, but I felt that way because of my own demons. Maybe making my personality big is a way of rising to the the other person's height, the same way we are told to look big if we ever meet a bear - a real, animal one. Even though he was also a bear Oh, and my self deprecating humour, who multiplies by ten in these kind of situations. Probably, and here again I'm going into conjecture, to fish for compliments. If I keep saying that I'm not good, the other person will say that I'm wrong. I'll be validated. It's so obvious, mind.

We had some nice banter, and at one point he strongly hinted that he would like to kiss me. And I was genuinely shocked. For a few seconds I could not really believe it. I thought I heard it wrong, he was joking, he misspoke, someone would yell "cut!" or someone would point to the hidden cameras. Thankfully, my mind is not entirely fucked up and I accepted the fact that he might have been into me as well. Obviously that came accompanied by questions to myself such as: do I look cute today? Is my hair looking nice? Does this t-shirt make me look slimmer - yes, body shaming is so strongly hardwired in my brain that I do it to myself faster than I can realise. 

Let me clarify that I honestly don't think one needs to be thin to be hot. Nothing against slimmer people thought, there's beauty everywhere and in everyone. And I do love myself and my curves. But that primal idea that thin is better still pops up in my mind when I feel insecure, because I'm not thin. I also automatically assume that some people themselves might actually think slimmer is better, regardless of my stand in body positivity, so they'd not be interested in me for that reason. But I digress.

My point is, even when I accepted he would be interested in me, I had to create some sort of reason for that to happen. Maybe it's my haircut. Maybe it's the clothes I'm wearing. But it's not me, for just being myself. It's for something that makes me attractive today, at this point, temporarily.

What's worse is that this happens every single time someone I'm attracted to shows any interest on me. The same pathway. I can prepare a presentation outlining the points, so used I am to it. Years come and years go, I promote body positivity and the sexiness of any kind of body, and I still don't truly believe that about myself. And I have a feeling I never will. 

But all is not lost. As I said, I caught up pretty quickly, we exchanged numbers and talked about meeting. And when that happened, I showed him the part that I am actually confident that I'm good at. I hope I got him to see that he was right to be into me, that he made the right choice when he chose to give me a chance.

...aaand, as you can see, I am still looking for validation. smh.