Part 3: Alone

I look at you and see someone I don't wanna be. And it's taking me too long to realise I'm better off alone. This is the first verse of a very popular song in the gay world in my early 20s, when I started to go out. The song, surprise surprise, is called Alone, by Offer Nissim. It is a great tune, and it brings me amazing memories of my younger days. But it also makes me a bit sad, mainly because this was my song. A song that at least 4 different guys sent me, saying they thought about me when they heard it.

I will give you some context, which is also probably an attempt to justify myself: I spent my teenage years closeted. I knew I liked boys, but I was terrified of the idea of being gay. I grew up in a very close minded, sexist and homophobic environment, and being gay was one of the worst things someone could be. I constantly heard some people close to me saying they would rather have their son being a murderer than being gay. That gays should be taken away from society, hidden, exiled. I did not want to be gay. I did not want to like boys. I did not want to be attracted to them.

So I told myself I was not gay, that this was a phase. That I had these desires, but I could hide them, tame them, and be what I then thought was "normal". It sounds ridiculous to me now, but I haven't kissed a guy until I was almost 21 years old, despite having had sexual contact with them. And any kind of sexual contact had to be something I could not get from girls. No kiss, not blow jobs, if we had anal sex, I would be a bottom. Because, in my head, the moment I did to a guy what I could do to a girl - like penetrate - the spell of being straight would be broken.

It finally came crumbling down when I was a couple of months short of 21 years old, I met a guy I was attracted to and wanted to have sex with, but he just kissed me instead. I realised there and then that I could not hide it anymore from myself: I was gay. I also fell obsessively in love with him. We only dated for a couple of months, but I started there a pattern that followed me for a long time: I was also dating a girl at the time. And I started seeing another guy. It was as if I opened the gates, and years of repression and holding back came flooding.

We only dated for a couple of months, all the other things on the side crumbled as well, and I ended up alone. But I was young and fresh in the gay world, so it wasn't long until I got myself another boyfriend. I did not really love him, but I did not want to be alone - in fact, I have never been more than 6 months single ever since. I did not cheat on him physically, but I would still flirt and be popular with boys. We dated for six months, and I got bored of him and left him. Then I had punctual relationships here and there for the next 4 years - nothing that lasted more than 3 months, until I had my actual first long term relationship.

In that time in between, I became a player. I was popular with guys, I was still in love with my first boyfriend (who did not even knew I existed anymore) and I only thought about myself. For me, it was ok to pick and choose until I found someone who I wanted, discarding everyone else in the process. Until I got bored of that person and went in the market again, doing it the same way again. I never really thought I was wrong, though. I had my reasons for doing what I did which, in my view, were perfectly right and justifiable. I could not take accountability for my actions. I was an idiot.

Now I look back at the guy I was and I feel sad for that guy. I can see all the underlying issues and the reasons it happened, but that does not make it right. I know better now, and I would never treat anyone like that ever again. No matter how harmless it sounds. I also see some of the young people I know acting the same way, which makes me sad. They have charm, they have beauty, they can choose. And when it does not suit them, they run away with excuses and justifications. 20 years and a different continent, and yet the same behaviour.

We should be better people, we should be less toxic, and we should think about others. I know, it's easy to say that when I had my youth and my fun, but I cannot go back in time and change what I did. All I know is that I was not happy then, no matter how I thought I was. I had everyone I wanted but, ultimately, I was alone. People were better off alone, without me. I am very thankful that I am not that guy anymore. And I truly believe that, the earlier we figure that out, the quicker we could find happiness.

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