Part 2: Impostor Syndrome

I don't normally do bandwagons on social media, unless it leads to something meaningful - help a cause, a campaign. Even then, I try to do it my way, so I can keep my uniqueness and my individuality. I won't go into the importance of uniqueness and diversity on this text, but if you know me well enough, you should also know that speech by heart. Back to bandwagons, a while ago I decided to break my rule and try the new trend on social media: ngl, a service where people could send you anonymous questions. Yes, part of me wanted to have some fun, but there was also a part of me who thought I could reach more people, especially those who felt the need to be anonymous.

What started as a fun game turned into a way for someone to send me hate messages. I was truly shocked when I opened the page one day and found many messages with a very hateful and angry tone, all seemingly coming from the same person. I don't know exactly who that person is, but I have a very good idea of where and when they were present in my life, based on the things they said. And, if my calculations are right, this is someone I have not interacted with for at least six years.

The hate itself did not hurt me in the slightest - I am fairly thick skinned, and I know those things said there are not true. And that is enough for me. But one thing did hurt me was the fact that at least six years have passed and that person still had that much anger and hatred towards me. I did something so bad and so strong towards them that, six plus years later, they still feel strong enough about it to come into an online service to send me hate. That scared me. And it also reminded me that, despite all I do nowadays to be a better person and promote positivity, I probably made mistakes in the past.

It is very likely that, at some point in my past, I made a comment that was offensive to someone. I made a remark to someone that did not go well with them. I forwarded a message or an email that contained something wrong, something inappropriate, something that I now know was a mistake. I am not thinking of any specific example or scenario, I am just playing with the likelihood. Society changes, and I have changed with it. But that does not make the things I might have said ok.

Because I could sit here and give you all my reasons for having made mistakes - I grew up in a close minded town, surrounded by, amongst others, sexist and homophobic people, I did not know better, it was acceptable by the standards of the time... That explains it, but it does not change the fact that I probably hurt people at some (or various) points in my life. People that did not deserve to be hurt. 

And for that, I want to say I am truly sorry. I am not apologising for any specific situation, but in general, to whoever have crossed my path and was worse off for it. I am sorry. Sorry if I ever hurt you. I should have known better, I should have done better, I should have been better. I wasn't, and that sucks. I am learning, I am trying to be a better person. That won't erase the mistakes I made, but I hope it can ease them. I hope I can ask you for another chance, even though I might not deserve it. I am not trying to clean my conscience or to avoid being cancelled, I genuinely regret some actions and some aspects of the person I once was. 

If it is any consolations, I can argue that my background, my journey, my experiences, all this, the good and the bad, is what made me what I am today, and maybe, if I haven't had those experiences, I would not be the person I am today. For good or for bad. That does not remedy what is already done, but I hope it makes up for everything from now on. I am not perfect and I would never claim to be, but I am trying every day to be a better person. It's a process, I will make mistakes, but I like to think that today I am better than I was yesterday, and tomorrow I will be better than today.

Finally, thank you very much for giving me your time and attention and for listening to what I have to say.