Here

I once read one of those cheap self help books, and there was something along the lines of "sometimes you need to travel the whole world to realize what you want is right here, at home". I could never really relate to that: I left my small hometown in the middle of nowhere when I was 14 years old to move to a bigger city. It wasn't long until I realised not even my home country was enough for me. I left Brazil to Germany, Germany to the UK, and I'm still not sure this is the place I will be for the rest of my life. That feeling of always looking somewhere else stayed with me throughout my life, in every aspect of it, including the way I make friends.

I have friends spread around the world, in different countries and timezones, and with time I became some sort of specialist in making and maintaining friendships far from home. It hasn't always been easy, there were some issues along the way, but they made me stronger and their lessons helped me build better friendships afterwards. And, I should add, mainly due to my job, I have the possibility of bringing those friends from the virtual world into the real one. I can actually meet people, spend time with them in the flesh. That makes a huge difference for me, as I don't like making friends that won't amount to nothing. I like to know that things will progress, turn into something. And so far, it has worked. So far, I managed to achieve what I wanted. So far, life has been good to me.

Until the day when it all came crumbling down. Maybe it was my overconfidence, maybe naiveté, maybe it was me. All I know is that a weekend that seemed to be great to me was not great to someone else. I still don't fully understand what happened, how it happened and what went wrong, but something did go catastrophically wrong. He snapped, his heart was broken, and I got caught int he middle of a problem I could not solve. And there I was, knee deep in the chaos, completely unprepared to deal with it. 

We were suddenly strangers, who did not know each other and could not gauge how to be around one another. We were out of sync. We were lost. After all, we barely knew each other. We had spent some time together up to that moment, but virtually. For about an hour each time. Now, I was at his place, feeling extremely uncomfortable and trapped, desperate to get away from there. I didn't want to hurt him anymore, and I didn't want to get myself hurt further. I couldn't leave until it was my time to leave, and after I did, I couldn't go back.

That friendship, from that weekend, is broken, and I don't know right now if it is beyond repair. That weekend broke me, and I have been broken ever since. I have been trying to collect my pieces, heal my soul. For that, I went back to the source of my energy: my friends. The ones that actually know me, spend time with me, praise me when I deserve it, but also call me out when I make mistakes. I am lucky enough to have other friendships to lean on and help me pull through. And those people, those friends, reminded me that all I want is right here, at home.

I don't need to travel the world to make new friends, when I have an amazing network already established. Some people in that network are not here, at home, but they are already in my life. They are home, even if that's not necessarily physically speaking. I don't need to look far away in the horizon, because I found my home. It's not perfect, and there are small, punctual things here and there that are not ideal, but when I look at the big picture, it's a good place to be. It makes me happy. It helps me heal when I'm broken. I found my place in the world, I found my friends, I found my happiness. I guess I just needed a hiccup to help me see it.

This is not the end, though. I won't stop. I'm not ready to settle. I will continue to meet new people, build new connections, explore new places and possibilities. The difference is that I will be more selective and careful in my triage. And, most important, I will give those around me the value they deserve. I will give more love to what's around me, and worry less avou what I can achieve far away. I will still look away, but I will make sure that I know where my feet is standing. I will make sure to keep them touching the ground.


Addendum:

Life is funny. When I wrote about the network, I intended it to be a standalone text, but I guess this is its part two. And I'm ok with that. Besides, the word "here" is also the first word of one of my favourite songs about love and friendship. It's all a coincidence, but isn't it nice when things just work out?

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