50

No, I am not turning 50. In fact, this text has nothing to do with age. I'm actually here to talk about gauge. And maybe my poor rhyming skills.

Someone recently told me that I should find a balance, and not be so intense. I don't remember exactly what they said, because it was in the middle of a somewhat heated discussion, but it was something along the lines of me being either 0 or 100. And what is right in the middle between 0 and 100? 42. No, wait. This the the answer to a different question. The number we are looking for here is 50.

I am an intense person, with a strong personality. That's just who I am. I don't do it on purpose, I don't choose to be like that. It's my natural state, my default. Trust me, I wish I was less polarising. I think life would be easier for me. The husbear is chill and easygoing, and as a friend wisely said recently, does anyone ever really get upset with him?

My intensity translate in the way I make friends. If I get to know someone, I invest time and care into that person and I will expect the friendship to grow. I am not looking for lukewarm friends who I will see here and there, but it will never really turn into something. These are acquaintances, people I know. When I decide to call them friends, I almost badger them to get closer to me. That also apply to online friends: if I let them cross the barrier between just someone I know into someone I'm becoming friends with, I will want to chat with them often, have phone and video calls and eventually get to meet them, regardless of where they are in the planet (I haven't made any friends outside earth so far, but watch this space - pun intended). Thankfully I have a job that allows me to travel and meet people.

Maybe developing the friendship is my mistake. Some people are meant to be just virtual friends, that won't turn into something else. Some people deserve to stay on 50 when they get there, and it's ok if they don't progress towards 100. I just need to learn how to make it happen. I need to learn to be more 50. I need balance. And what's the best way to learn? Doing it. So I'm gonna do it, and I think that I have an ideal candidate for that journey. Might be one of those "be careful to what you wish for" situations, but one can't have one's cake and eat it, as the expression goes. After all, every single action has consequences, good and bad ones. This is not a revenge or a retaliation, either. It's the path that unfolded after what happened. That's how life works. I didn't invent the system.

We might have gone a bit further than 50, but we won't go any higher than that. If we stay where we are, it's ok for me. If I manage to learn how to make it go back to 50, better for me. They might take it even lower, but that will be their decision. After all, when dealing with someone else, you should always expect that they might do something different than what you predicted. People are not machines, they are unpredictable. And that's ok. Even I, predictable as I am, didn't think I would be here now. If you have asked me a couple of weeks ago where I'd be now, I'd have given you a number closer to 100. But there's an internet cliché that says "when you think you know all the answers, life changes the questions". And again, I'm ok with that.

Will I achieve it? Will I succeeded? Will I fail? Will something else, completely unexpected, happen? Time will tell. Until then, we keep going. But don't worry, I will try to keep you updated.

Addendum:

If this text sounds upbeat, you're not wrong. I have just come out of a horrible week where I have been broken, and I am thankful that I can now see things clearly and be in a better headspace. On a separate note, a second part can become even more interesting when it's part of a trilogy.