Part 5: *shouts* SECURITY!

I remember I saw this in a Bridget Jones movie, one of the old ones, and I felt like it instantly clicked with me. As if someone was describing my life in a single breath. I even quoted it in another blog, although I never actually wrote about it. It goes exactly like this:

"I mean, look at the state of us. You and me stumbled into the vip room by mistake and it's only a matter of moments before they show us the door."

I have always felt like my life is that VIP room that I entered by mistake, and I keep waiting for someone to come and tell me that this was a mistake. And I am honestly surprised I am almost 40 years old and it still never happened - I am still in this VIP room. 

I have a good life. There are punctual things I would like to be better, but in the big picture scheme of things, I like my life. I was very lucky to meet and marry the love of my life, and I honestly don't see us ever breaking up. I got to work as my childhood dream job, and with that I can travel the world, make friends and meet them, but maybe most importantly, wake up late during the week without feeling guilty about it. I have been around incredible people, some of which just for a while, others still around. I could keep going, but I think you got the idea.

And still, I have this constant feeling that it is all wrong, I don't deserve it, I should not have any of it, and it will all go away as soon as I finish writing this sentence. I have a massive case of impostor syndrome towards my life. Besides, I am constantly questioning why was I so lucky, why did I get it all, and others did not. What makes me so special that I get to have things in life and others don't? Yes, I worked for some of the things, and maybe I don't talk about or give enough credit to the hard work that goes behind having a relationship; the effort that goes into my job and the antisocial part of it, which in turns leads to the loneliness I experience from it; the ache that comes from having pieces of my heart scattered all over the world - my parents are in Brazil, my best friends are in Berlin, USA, Russia, Angola... But still, many people I know have the same issues and go through the same efforts, and they don't accomplish so much like I did.

I have been writing about all the times my mind is my worst enemy - I am too much, I am too creepy, I am not good enough, I am not perfect and I made mistakes. Then there are the people who remind me of the same things - whatever their reasons are, which I am not here to judge. People that tell me less is more, for example. It all comes together, to reaffirm to me that I don't deserve to be in the VIP room. And it's only a matter of moments until I am shown the door.

I am already too damaged to change that. I think I will forever keep an eye over my shoulder, to see if security finally noticed that I shouldn't be here and they are coming to get me. I don't know what will happen when they do - will I run away, hide? Will I try to plead my case? Will I accept defeat? What I know, though, is that I don't want this to happen to anyone else. I don't want anyone to go through this, because it's fucking exhausting! 

That's why I made it my personal mission to be kind, be helpful and be grateful. I have been given this gift of being an extrovert, reaching out to people, talking to them, making friends, and I want to use that to make life better for others. I want to be there for people, I want to remind them that they are amazing, they deserve all the great things that happen to them, they are uniquely beautiful and nobody should let them feel differently. I know, I know, easier said than done, especially when sometimes I don't feel these things about myself.

I also don't know if it would work, but that is not my role. My part is to send out the message, and hope it will be received. What someone will do with it, that's with them.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Every. Single. Time.

He came in while I was doing a shift, and I was immediately attracted to him. He was extremely cute - still is. He was also on shift, but for a different organisation. He smiled and I melted inside. Equally fast was my conviction that he would never, ever, be into me. It's almost like I could hear a voice whispering in my ears: Hello! Have you seen him and have you seen you? Wake up, he would never look at you. Don't set yourself up for failure. We started to chat, I was extra campy and extrovert, which is the weird way my mind deals with feeling intimidated. I should be clear that he was not intimidating, but I felt that way because of my own demons. Maybe making my personality big is a way of rising to the the other person's height, the same way we are told to look big if we ever meet a bear - a real, animal one. Even though he was also a bear Oh, and my self deprecating humour, who multiplies by ten in these kind of situations. Probably, and here again I'm going in...
Read more

Curls

I am growing my hair. Like, proper growing it. I think the last haircut I had was about 3 months ago, and that was just to tidy up the back and the sides. The top has been growing for about 7 months now. I don't think I ever let my hair grow so long, and I have no intention of cutting it anytime soon. This is something I always wanted, but due to many factors I never gave it a proper change to happen. But things are different now. With the big hair, came the curls. I always knew my hair curled when it grew - just one look at my dad in his young years and nothing was a surprise anymore. The thing is, I never left my hair grow long enough to see the curls getting their shape. The hair was never long enough to make any kind of curve. But things are different now. Many things changed in the last year - there is a whole theory about a cycle that starts and ends in my life every ten years, in round ages, or years that end with the number 3, like the year I was born. 2003, 2013, and 2023....
Read more

Do you want the truth to come out?

Chapter one: Anywhere but Brighton It was a cold and sunny Monday morning in January, the second day of the year, when I first entered the place where I would work for the next six months: Brighton’s police station. Our graduation ceremony took place some twenty days prior, but the holidays made it feel like it was another lifetime altogether. As I walked through the door of the police station, I thought about our final day at the academy, and the moment we were receiving our posting letters sprang to my mind. Up until that point, we had been training for the previous six months to become private investigators, and it had not been easy on any of us. We somehow formed a strong bond, and we were all very excited to see where life would take us next, who would be there with us, what we would do. After six months of books, lectures, videos and tests, we all wanted to get out of the classroom and get into the action. I remember all those things going through my mind the day I opened my lett...
Read more