Part 4: Nails

I am not perfect. I don't think I ever was, and I don't think I will ever be. I try my best to be kind, helpful and grateful in my life, but I don't always get it right. I like to believe that I get it right more today than I did yesterday, and tomorrow I will get it even more right because I am learning, every day, from my mistakes. But there is now and there will always be room for improvement.

I have done some stuff in my life that I am not proud of. I will not get into specifics here - but not because I am ashamed of them, or I am trying to hide them. I just don't see the need to tell these stories. What I can tell is that I know they existed, I acknowledge and own them, and I use them to remind myself of not making those mistakes again.

But they also make me think about the wood board and the nails. When I was growing up, someone told me that life is like a wood board, and we are nails. We use these nails on the wood board, and sometimes we realised that it was a mistake, so we take the nails off. But the hole is there, is done, and it won't go back to what it was. We can try to fix it, mask it, and it might make it better. But it won't ever be the same.

I am sure I made marks on people I crossed in my past. I am sure there are people out there who did not have a good experience with me, who did not meet the best side of me, or who were part of the stuff in my life I am not proud of. In fact, I recently received a massive amount of hate on social media from someone anonymously - although, based on everything that they said, I am almost sure I know who they are. But that does not matter. What matters is that I once hurt someone so much that, more than 6 years later, they still feel the need to send me hateful messages. They still feel the need to try and hurt me. And that made me feel really sad.

I don't like the fact that I am the reason someone has so much pain, anger and hatred inside of them. I don't like the idea that I did something so bad to someone, that it created that profound mark on them. All I wanted, when I got the hate messages, was to hug them, ask them to forgive me and tell them I wish I had done things better. I truly want them not to feel like that anymore. And it's not because I want to please everyone and I dislike the idea of someone not liking me. I just want them to find peace. 

I cannot go back in time and change what I did. I can take the nail away, try to fix the hole it left, but I cannot take back the damage. It sucks, but this is how life works. I have to accept it, and hope that I never make those mistakes again. All I can do is to promise all those people that I am trying. I am trying to be a better person, I am trying to be kinder, more helpful and more grateful. I am looking back at those mistakes and learning from them. 

All I am asking is for a second chance. I understand if those affected don't want to give me that, want to cancel me, want to send me hateful messages. Maybe I deserve it. Everyone has their own way of coping with things, and I will not judge what someone does in their own journey. But, if they do decide to give me a second chance, I promise I will try my best to do things better. I am learning on the go, and all I want is for tomorrow to be better than today.