Part 2: Cute or creepy

I once saw this theory on a TV show, but I can't remember which one right now. It goes like this: any action from one person to another can be equally considered cute or creepy. It just depends on the person who is analysing it. Most specifically, depends if the person receiving the action appreciates it. But, for this little essay, let's stick to the person analysing it. And, in this specific case, let's say the person analysing it is my mind.

Because, in my mind's eye, I am always being creepy. Every time I do something, my mind tells me that I am being creepy, I am being too much, I am bothering someone and I am being a burden to them. I regret it instantly, and many times I truly believe that the person will never talk to me again, until they give me some sort of validation - like answering a message. Yes, my bar is that low. Although sometimes I cannot even get that.

To put it in practical terms, I am very direct and open about everything, and that means - amongst other things - that I can easily compliment someone and flirt with them. At the moment it happens, I'm super confident and I believe that I am great at doing that. After the conversation ends, I start to feel like I was super creepy and gross, and I should not have said any of those things. I also have the constant feeling that people think I can only talk about thirsty things. And nobody knows what else I have to offer, because I never give them the opportunity to meet that other side of me.

The other day I posted something on instagram: a picture of me, laying down on the floor, to the sound of Florence and the Machine singing "I think I am breaking down again". With the lyrics on the screen. I got many heart eyes and fire emojis, and one person asked me if the heat was getting to me. Yes, the heat was getting to me, but I was having a breaking down moment where I felt like shit. Nobody picked up on it. 

I am more than a horny guy, who likes to post selfies and flirts with people. I have another side - in fact, I have multiple other sides. But that is not my brand, that's not what my instagram sells. I am now locked into this position which I put myself in, and I can't seem to get out of it, no matter how much I try. I try to show vulnerability and feelings, but people want the bum. They don't want the fine print. One needn't look much far for an example: this blog is clearly listed in my instagram bio, but just a handful of people know it exists.

What an ungrateful little bitch I am. How horrible is my life, because people think I am hot. Especially when I am trying to send the message of body positivity, and how curves can be sexy too. I appreciate it's not easy to empathise with my cause here. And I am not asking anyone to. I don't want people to pity me, and I equally don't this to be a childish whining. I just want to be seen, for more than just one of my sides. I want people to know me, to ask about my life. It would be a nice change from being asked "can I see you naked?" all the time. Especially when my penis is available on the internet to whoever wants to see it. Spoiler alert: it's just a regular, average penis.

Oh, and back to being creepy, please know that I have good intentions. I might not always get it right, and I am the first person willing to apologise - and try better next time -  when I don't get it right. Besides, as far as being direct, it goes both ways. I appreciate honesty and I will always be happy to talk about things, even if they are not nice. The most unpleasant truth is still better than the most pleasant lie.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Every. Single. Time.

He came in while I was doing a shift, and I was immediately attracted to him. He was extremely cute - still is. He was also on shift, but for a different organisation. He smiled and I melted inside. Equally fast was my conviction that he would never, ever, be into me. It's almost like I could hear a voice whispering in my ears: Hello! Have you seen him and have you seen you? Wake up, he would never look at you. Don't set yourself up for failure. We started to chat, I was extra campy and extrovert, which is the weird way my mind deals with feeling intimidated. I should be clear that he was not intimidating, but I felt that way because of my own demons. Maybe making my personality big is a way of rising to the the other person's height, the same way we are told to look big if we ever meet a bear - a real, animal one. Even though he was also a bear Oh, and my self deprecating humour, who multiplies by ten in these kind of situations. Probably, and here again I'm going in...
Read more

Curls

I am growing my hair. Like, proper growing it. I think the last haircut I had was about 3 months ago, and that was just to tidy up the back and the sides. The top has been growing for about 7 months now. I don't think I ever let my hair grow so long, and I have no intention of cutting it anytime soon. This is something I always wanted, but due to many factors I never gave it a proper change to happen. But things are different now. With the big hair, came the curls. I always knew my hair curled when it grew - just one look at my dad in his young years and nothing was a surprise anymore. The thing is, I never left my hair grow long enough to see the curls getting their shape. The hair was never long enough to make any kind of curve. But things are different now. Many things changed in the last year - there is a whole theory about a cycle that starts and ends in my life every ten years, in round ages, or years that end with the number 3, like the year I was born. 2003, 2013, and 2023....
Read more

Do you want the truth to come out?

Chapter one: Anywhere but Brighton It was a cold and sunny Monday morning in January, the second day of the year, when I first entered the place where I would work for the next six months: Brighton’s police station. Our graduation ceremony took place some twenty days prior, but the holidays made it feel like it was another lifetime altogether. As I walked through the door of the police station, I thought about our final day at the academy, and the moment we were receiving our posting letters sprang to my mind. Up until that point, we had been training for the previous six months to become private investigators, and it had not been easy on any of us. We somehow formed a strong bond, and we were all very excited to see where life would take us next, who would be there with us, what we would do. After six months of books, lectures, videos and tests, we all wanted to get out of the classroom and get into the action. I remember all those things going through my mind the day I opened my lett...
Read more