Part 1 Less is more

Someone actually told me those exact words recently. But there's no breakthrough there - they were not the first, and I am fairly certain they won't be the last one. Being "too much" is something I have been hearing my whole life, from different people. Sometimes in a positive light, but mostly in a negative one. I have mostly been told that I need to tone myself down. Less is more.

Is it, though? Should I change who I am, suppress a part of my personality and becomes something I am not, because someone else said so? Or, in this case, many someone elses said so... This very question burns me every time it happens. And, as I mentioned already, it happens a lot. So I am in this constant internal battle. Honestly, it's exhausting.

We live in society, with other people. One should always be aware that a behaviour should be suitable for living in a community. I could never tell the world to fuck itself, this is who I am and you will have to take me. I don't see myself as a narcissistic and egocentric person, after all. I should be aware of everyone around me, and how my actions impact them.

Besides, I can also argue that one should always try to adapt and to become a better version. There is always room for improvement. When someone tells me something like that, regardless of how it is intended, I should see it as a chance to become a better version of myself. I should take it as a growth opportunity.

But then, on the other hand, how far should I go, so I can still be myself? How far is too far, enough to lose my identity. After all, this is who I am. I am loud. I am an extrovert. I am not shy, and I have no shame. I am direct, I say what I think and my mind to mouth filter came broken from the factory. I know what I want and I will show it, because I am terrified of missing out on an opportunity because I was too scared of saying something.

I know! Why don't you find a middle ground? Light bulb moment! This may come as a surprise, but I have considered this option. Many times. And trust me, if I knew how to get there, I wouldn't be struggling. Or writing about it.

It hurts. Every time someone says that I am too much, it hurts me. Because I genuinely believe I am trying. Trying to be less myself, trying to learn and adapt, trying to be someone other people will like, just to be reminded that nothing changed. There was no growth, no learning, no adaptation. I am still same old me. And it will only be a matter of time before people lose their patience and walk away from me again.

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