The journey towards happiness.

The other day I looked at myself in the mirror, while I was changing to go to the supermarket, and I thought to myself: oh, I feel sexy today. I know, that might sound normal, given the kind of stuff I post online. But this is not something that happens constantly. I have moments of self confidence and I have moments of self consciousness. I like to think they are roughly 50/50. On this particular occasion, self confidence won.

Then, on my way to the supermarket, I got to talk to two friends I am very into, but they are not into me. And I was very clearly reminded by the universe that they are not into me. Almost as if the universe was trying to slap me in the face, punishing me for feeling good about myself. A metaphorical voice whispered in my ear something like "this is what you deserve for your vanity. I am here to remind you that you are not good enough".

It make me feel sad. Not that some people are not attracted to me, this is something that I have learned to live with for a long time. This is just how the life works: I am not attracted to everyone I meet, so it is natural that some people will not be attracted to me. And that does not mean that there is something wrong or bad about me. As my friend Jon wisely says, what other people think about you says more about them than it says about you. 

What made me sad is this guilt that took over me almost instantly when I had a moment of self love. A guilt that is hardwired into our brains, and it shows up to tell us that we don't deserve to feel good. We don't deserve to be happy. It's a guilt that everyone feels, no matter how well our mental health is. It's a result of years of the world telling us that we are not good enough, and whenever we think we are, we are probably wrong.

Happiness should not feel like it's something wrong, something we don't deserve, something that will have a price. Happiness should be celebrated, not hidden. It should be anticipated, not feared. Nobody should be afraid to be happy. So I told the universe to go fuck itself, I will keep feeling like I am hot and I will be ok with it, even if others don't see it.

No, I have not sorted all my issues that day. I took a step, but that was one step in a long road. A road that I will likely never stop walking on. The voice will be back, the world will try to put me down again. I might take some steps back, fall behind on my journey. But I hope I can always get up, dust myself off and keep going.  

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