Do stop believing

It happened again. Someone came to Brighton, again, and I never knew about it until they had already been gone. Which, on its own, is not really an issue. I don't expect that every person from my social media who comes to Brighton will write me. The issue is that, this person, like others before, said many times that they would love to come to Brighton to see me. Or some variation of that: "next time I am in Brighton I will definitely let you know" is another classic. But then they come and go, and they never let me know.

And it's not only Brighton. London is just an hour from here, and I made it clear to people that it would be easy for me to get to London if they were there. They seem excited about it. And then, surprise surprise: I find out they are or were in London and I never heard a word about it.

This is not the first time - hence what I meant by it happened again. And, once again, I am feeling sad and unappreciated because of it. I tried pretending it didn't happen, I tried confronting this behaviour, I tried terminating the virtual friendship. But it keeps happening, no matter how I deal with it. And here is my logic: when something happens with me, involving different people, the problem is probably me. But it is not that simple.

The first part of the problem is how I take things said on social media so seriously. People say stuff in the spur of the moment, people say stuff they think I want to hear, people say stuff to get me to do something. And I'm talking here about real life. When we get to social media, it can be even more superficial and meaningless. After all, "it's just words on a screen. This is an instagram connection, not a real friend. He knows that I don't really mean it, doesn't he? Well, he should. He should know better." He, in this case, is me.

I should know better. I should take things said on an instagram chat with a grain of salt. I should give it the importance it deserves. I don't, and that one is on me. Every time it happens, I tell myself that I will change and I will stop believing. But, if I would have achieved this already, I wouldn't be writing about it here in this post. 

The other part the problem is actually very simple: I need to understand that they are not interested in meeting me. I am not their priority. I am a big believer that actions speak louder than words, and their actions are clear. If they wanted to see me, they would write me. If they wanted to meet me, they would let me know. They don't want to meet me. Or maybe they do, at some point in their lives, but I am not important enough for them to remember that I am here when they are here. No matter what I made myself believe, they are just not that interested in me. Which stems from the same place of believing what it said to me: naïveté.

This is about my naïveté and how that impacts me. I am not calling anyone a liar - this is not about them, how they act or why they act that way. I am sure they have a reason, an explanation, an excuse. They have their side of the story. But this blog is not about the truth, as I said in my first post. It is about how I feel. And this particular one is - maybe unintentionally - a bitter post, but it is part of my journey. It is a path a have to walk to learn to navigate life better and get hurt less - which means becoming cynical and skeptical about people. To maybe someday get to a point where what I am writing about here really doesn't happen anymore. It might be a high price to pay, but nothing in this life comes for free.

I could also counter argument that I should not have to change myself because of how other people treat me, that my way of looking into life is kinder, that I am better off without those people and that the world would be a better place if more people were like me. But it's not easy to be the good guy, when the good guy is left out and feels alone. Ultimately, the good guy can only take so much heartbreak.