This is not about me.

I am not sure I should write something now. It is not my place, after all. In fact, I removed myself from the situation a long time ago, for reasons I will not disclose here. Nevertheless, it is still uncomfortable for me to talk about him, especially now that he is not able to say anything anymore. I feel sad, I honestly do. Someone so young, having to go through this enormous burden, knowing that his life had effectively gotten an expiry date. Must not have been easy on him or those around him. I don't mean this in a condescending way. And yes, I can appreciate how hypocritical of me it is to feel sad now. But it's a general type of sadness, the way one feels when there is a big accident or a war in a different country. It does not affect me directly, but it is sad that it happened. 

Now that he is gone, many feelings have suddenly rushed back to me. The way he hurt me, how and when it happened, how it affected me, the way it destroyed not one but two friendships, and two potential new ones - due to my previous behaviour as well, I am not trying to pin the blame on himself alone. I will forever own my part in the situation. It also brought back the way I dealt with everything. It is making me question how I deal with people, how flexible I should be and what actually matters in life. 

I feel somewhat bad, because we never became friends again. I never wanted to be friends with him after what happened. I still feel like I did not do anything wrong, but I wonder if I should have been more lenient towards him, especially considering what he was going through. On the other hand, would I have been fair to him and to myself if I had decided to go against everything I believe and put on a smile, pretended that nothing ever happened? Would it have been fake and patronising of me towards him, had I decided to treat him differently because of his situation?

The last time we talked, he asked me to forgive him. I don't hold grudges, I sort things out there and then and move on, so I never considered this a forgiving matter, to be fair. I closed this chapter and moved on with my life shortly after it happened. I told him that I had moved on, that there were no hard feelings anymore and that this should not be something to worry him anymore. I meant it, and I really hope he did not worry about it. As the expression goes, he had much bigger fish to fry, and I truly did not want to be something to give him extra stress.

I can truly appreciate how opportunistic it looks for me to use him now in a way to write about myself. But this is what I have, this is what I can do. I cannot create some fake eulogy with amazing moments that never existed. I am not trying to honour him or his memory. And I am not writing this to appear this or that to anyone. I am just trying to find my peace.

I hope he is at peace. I know he will be missed by many, as he had a massive impact in many lives and in the community. As for me, I cannot change the past. I don't know if I would, anyway. I can look towards the future, and try to be a better person. In a way, I am thankful that I met him. I am grateful that he existed through my life, regardless of how he did and how it ended. He made an impact on me, and this is something that will never change.

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