Ouch, that one hurt.

I have been wracking my brain, trying to understand what is happening here. Because, since we first met, I liked him and I felt like he would be someone I would like to have in my life, as a friend. And I have been nothing but nice to him ever since. 

But the reaction I got from him was lukewarm, at best. That is, if I even managed to get any reaction at all. First I asked myself if I was doing something wrong. Maybe I was approaching this in a way that was not effective? I have a very pragmatic and rational mind, which translates into me having the tendency to consider human relations as math problems - that can be solved with logic. It's not a great trait, I am aware of it, but this is who I am. And I am always working towards mitigating it.

Then started looking at it from a different perspective: maybe it's not me, maybe it's him. He might not be looking for new friends at this point. He might not be open to new relationships with other people. Or maybe he doesn't see that I am trying to reach out. There could be an infinite number or reasons on his side of things, which I could not see from my side, and those reasons would be on the way of making this friendship happen. And there was not much I can do to change that. I just had to accept it.

But then, one day, I saw that he made a new friend. Someone he met recently as well, and probably in a similar way he met me. That's when it became crystal clear: it's me. He doesn't want to be friends with me. I was actually giggling, thinking to myself: of course, it's so obvious now. It's me. How come I didn't see it before? It makes so much sense. Pragmatic mind, etc.

This is the part where I would write a big essay about how great I am, how much value I have, and if he doesn't want me in his life, he is the one losing. And I truly believe all that, I do. I could also argue that I don't deserve anything but someone who is really keen on me. Again, I honestly believe that too. The issue is that, despite being great, having value and deserving better, I am still losing a potential friendship from someone I admire. Someone I think would be a great addition to my life. I am the person who was not chosen, and that hurts. No matter how much I love myself, not being chosen hurts.

It won't kill me though. I will survive. I will also not suddenly start hating him. That's life. Maybe I sound defeatist saying this, but when it comes to human relations, there are things we cannot control. We can put on a fight to try and change it, which might pay off, but will also mean spending time and energy. Or we can accept them. I choose to accept it. It was not meant to be, and that's ok.

I could also try to ask myself what does his new friend have that I don't, and why did he choose that friendship and not mine, but what's the point in that? I am not about to change who I am just for his benefit. I am sure his friendship would be a great prize to be won, but not worth losing myself and my identity in the process.

It also doesn't mean this will be forever so. Maybe one day he will see me, maybe one day he will want my friendship. Maybe not. Time will tell. Until then, I'm still here, I'm still open. In case he ever decides to make a move.

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