I'll take the blame

I'll be the bad guy. Cause I am already used to hearing that there's something wrong with me, that I am the issue. It happened many times before, one more will not make much difference now. It's just from someone new.

It's my fault that I have a job that allows me to travel and meet the people I love, and it scares me to think that without my job, many of these friendships would not be feasible. Because people have their plans, their priority, and I'm not it. I don't need to be, after all I will come over at some point, so why make an effort? I am choosing to use my vacation, my tickets, my money and my time, so I should not complain if they don't do the same.

It's also my mistake that I get too emotionally attached to the people I meet, even when I haven't actually met met them. I take things said to me seriously, even if they are said in a social media chat. I treat everyone in my life with respect and I give them time, regardless of them being there in person or in megabits. And I am still to learn that the internet is the land of talking, but not always the land of acting.

Actions do speak louder than words. So yeah, I know one can say they care for me, but I miss feeling cared for. I miss having someone picking up the phone and sending me a message simply because they missed me. Instead of getting a message because I reacted to their story, almost as if they suddenly remembered I exist.

I have my insecurities, that stem from multiple and complex issues, maybe one of them is hearing multiple times that I'm at fault, that something is wrong with me, that I have issues. It's a circle, and it's not fun, but I learned to live with it. So yes, I will once again take the blame. My heart is hurt, another piece of it died. Scar tissue will grow over, and after a while it will look alright. But I will be less attached, I will give less of myself and close myself further. Maybe then I won't have people around to blame me anymore.

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