Being Hinksch

The basque country had the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. He also had an immaturity that I could not gauge back then, and I mistakenly thought it was not my problem nor my responsibility. It all fell apart after a while. He taught me that we are somewhat responsible for those who pass through our lives, especially if they are not in the same place as we are. He also helped me discover my love for Florence and the Machine. Sweden was one of the first people I met when I arrived here. He showed me that first impression are not always lasting. Friendships need to have quality, and he didn't bring any to ours. He broke many rules, even though I am not very strict. His presence in my life showed me that I love and trust the husbear, and nobody but us have the power to change that. He also helped me to learn how choose my friends better. France was lovely and charming, but I never saw his true feelings behind the surface. I discovered those feelings in a horrible way: I made a mis...

I am not sure I should write something now. It is not my place, after all. In fact, I removed myself from the situation a long time ago, for reasons I will not disclose here. Nevertheless, it is still uncomfortable for me to talk about him, especially now that he is not able to say anything anymore. I feel sad, I honestly do. Someone so young, having to go through this enormous burden, knowing that his life had effectively gotten an expiry date. Must not have been easy on him or those around him. I don't mean this in a condescending way. And yes, I can appreciate how hypocritical of me it is to feel sad now. But it's a general type of sadness, the way one feels when there is a big accident or a war in a different country. It does not affect me directly, but it is sad that it happened.  Now that he is gone, many feelings have suddenly rushed back to me. The way he hurt me, how and when it happened, how it affected me, the way it destroyed not one but two friendships, and two pot...

I have been wracking my brain, trying to understand what is happening here. Because, since we first met, I liked him and I felt like he would be someone I would like to have in my life, as a friend. And I have been nothing but nice to him ever since.  But the reaction I got from him was lukewarm, at best. That is, if I even managed to get any reaction at all. First I asked myself if I was doing something wrong. Maybe I was approaching this in a way that was not effective? I have a very pragmatic and rational mind, which translates into me having the tendency to consider human relations as math problems - that can be solved with logic. It's not a great trait, I am aware of it, but this is who I am. And I am always working towards mitigating it. Then started looking at it from a different perspective: maybe it's not me, maybe it's him. He might not be looking for new friends at this point. He might not be open to new relationships with other people. Or maybe he doesn't se...

I am a complex person, and even though I know myself very well, sometimes is not easy to explain who I am to someone else. Here is a glimpse into that complexity: a story of two guys I met who, at first glance, were similar to each other. I met them both in Berlin, and I kissed them both in Berlin. But, with time, they become polar opposites. One became south, the other north. In many more ways than just geographically.  South kissed me on my first night. I have never seen him before, in person or online. He was very drunk, and kept saying that I was very sexy. He is also very sexy, and seemed to be a nice guy, based on the group of friends he was spending the holiday with. But, for the rest of the holiday, he avoided me. And when we crossed each other, he gave me a polite yellow smile, while kissing everything else that moved. The worst part is that, yes, I wanted to kiss him again, but I also wanted to get to know him better. And he never gave me that opportunity. North was also ...

I'll be the bad guy. Cause I am already used to hearing that there's something wrong with me, that I am the issue. It happened many times before, one more will not make much difference now. It's just from someone new. It's my fault that I have a job that allows me to travel and meet the people I love, and it scares me to think that without my job, many of these friendships would not be feasible. Because people have their plans, their priority, and I'm not it. I don't need to be, after all I will come over at some point, so why make an effort? I am choosing to use my vacation, my tickets, my money and my time, so I should not complain if they don't do the same. It's also my mistake that I get too emotionally attached to the people I meet, even when I haven't actually met met them. I take things said to me seriously, even if they are said in a social media chat. I treat everyone in my life with respect and I give them time, regardless of them being th...