Being Hinksch

If you haven't noticed yet, based on the three texts I already wrote about it, I just turned 40 years old on January 2nd, 2023. To mark this occasion, I made a list of 40 things I have done before turning 40.  Be completely naked online, willingly Be homeless Be in the middle of a sex sandwich Cry in front of someone else Date people from different genders Fly first class (as a passenger) Get a piercing Get a tattoo Get drunk Get high Go scuba diving Go to a theme park (like Disney) Go to a water park Go to Berghain and actually get in Go to Oktoberfest Have a heated argument with someone Have a master's degree Have my heart broke by someone Have sex in public Have sex with multiple people at once Learn another language Learn to drive stick Live in a different country Make up with someone I previously fought Marry the love of my life Meet and spend time with my four grandparents Move out of my parent's house Plant a tree Save someone's life Say goodbye to someone I love...

It's a little past midnight at home, almost five hours to go here. Four in my home country. Yogi called, the only one so far. I just poured myself a drink, I'm sitting by the pool. It's a nice evening to be out. I'm alone, with my noise cancelling headphones, listening to my favourite songs: Florence and the Machine, Pink Floyd, Pato Fu... As I take the first sip of my drink, I tell myself, in Portuguese: Happy Birthday, Bernardo. I'll be on my own for the next 24h. I mean, not entirely: I am currently on a layover, surrounded by my work colleagues, who said they would join me for a drink - but so far nobody showed up. I don't blame them, I wouldn't be out myself if this wasn't my birthday. We worked a long flight here. Everyone is tired, including me.  You might feel sad for me, but I am used to this life. This is not different than any other day, any other month, any other year. Throughout the years I learned to be flexible about dates, change the cale...

I remember very clearly when my dad turned 40. I was 12, still lived in the countryside and I remember he had a big party with his friends. I also remember him making a big deal out of it, saying how it changed his life, how it gave him a new perspective. A couple of years later, he would sell his business and take us to the capital city, where there would be better opportunities for his children I don't remember when my mom turned 40, though. I am sure there was some celebration, but I don't have any memories of it. I also don't think it was as big as my dad's. Probably because we had just arrived in a new city, they were renting instead of owning a house, working for the first time for someone else. But most important, they did not know many people. It was not what it could have been if they still lived in the countryside. I don't have many memories of my life in general between late childhood and late teens. My early to mid teen years were not an easy time for me...

For all my childhood and most part of my teenage years, my parents run their own business - a radio and TV station in a small town in the middle of nowhere in Brazil. I have many memories from that time, and I'd like to share two of them.  The first one was the end of a month: my parents were always extremely stressed at the end of a month, because that was the time they would have to pay their employees. And they always made sure to pay everyone on time, regardless of how that would affect their personal finances and our life at home. I remember the end of the month being the tightest part for us, which is usually the other way around when you work for someone else. But my parents always said that they had many people that depended on them, and they could not let those people down.  The other memory was at Christmas: every year they made a campaign asking those in need to send the station letters with what they wanted for Christmas, and those who had enough to adopt one of th...

I am writing a new book, and I am almost finished now. Before I publish it, here is a little teaser: the names of the chapters. Happy holidays! Chapter one: Anywhere but Brighton Chapter two: When you least expect it… Chapter three: ...the unexpected happens Chapter four: Do you want the truth to come out? Chapter five: Everyone is innocent… Chapter six: …until proven otherwise Chapter seven: Nothing to see here Chapter eight: Let me get this straight Chapter nine: No parent should see their children die Chapter ten: I know who did it Chapter eleven: The ripped pieces of cloth Chapter twelve: This is just the beginning

I look at you and see someone I don't wanna be. And it's taking me too long to realise I'm better off alone. This is the first verse of a very popular song in the gay world in my early 20s, when I started to go out. The song, surprise surprise, is called Alone, by Offer Nissim. It is a great tune, and it brings me amazing memories of my younger days. But it also makes me a bit sad, mainly because this was my song. A song that at least 4 different guys sent me, saying they thought about me when they heard it. I will give you some context, which is also probably an attempt to justify myself: I spent my teenage years closeted. I knew I liked boys, but I was terrified of the idea of being gay. I grew up in a very close minded, sexist and homophobic environment, and being gay was one of the worst things someone could be. I constantly heard some people close to me saying they would rather have their son being a murderer than being gay. That gays should be taken away from society,...

I don't normally do bandwagons on social media, unless it leads to something meaningful - help a cause, a campaign. Even then, I try to do it my way, so I can keep my uniqueness and my individuality. I won't go into the importance of uniqueness and diversity on this text, but if you know me well enough, you should also know that speech by heart. Back to bandwagons, a while ago I decided to break my rule and try the new trend on social media: ngl, a service where people could send you anonymous questions. Yes, part of me wanted to have some fun, but there was also a part of me who thought I could reach more people, especially those who felt the need to be anonymous. What started as a fun game turned into a way for someone to send me hate messages. I was truly shocked when I opened the page one day and found many messages with a very hateful and angry tone, all seemingly coming from the same person. I don't know exactly who that person is, but I have a very good idea of where...